


Things Not Said

by Zig_Zag_F1



Series: You Love Him [5]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Anger, Frustration, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Light Sexual Content, M/M, Mental Anguish, Post-Break Up, Regret, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-27 04:17:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20942150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zig_Zag_F1/pseuds/Zig_Zag_F1
Summary: Max regrets the things he never said to Daniel when they were together.





	Things Not Said

**Author's Note:**

> Important Note: The stories in this series are standalone. This is important because this fic and the previous one called "Should've" are NOT connected or compliant with each other and I wanted to clarify this for everyone so no one is confused.
> 
> I don't know why but the song You Love Him by Brighten made me want to write things based on each line so here I am. You don't have to listen to the song though, or read the fics in order.
> 
> This is line 10, if anyone cares to know.
> 
> The timeline for this is over the 2018 season and takes place in presumably the early part of the 2019 season. But it's all fictional anyway and vague as well.

_"Should've said all the things that I wanted to..."_

From the outside, he is brash, bold, unfiltered. 

On camera, he's shocking and blunt and honest.

With his friends, he's never afraid to speak his mind. 

And yet, the unvarnished truth was that Max, for all his hotheaded moves and reckless reputation, was an utter failure at communicating the truth in the one place it mattered most.

He contemplates this as he stares into the mirror this morning, trying to get his hair to stay in place. _You are such a little bitch, _he thinks upon seeing his reflection. It's not new. He's been calling himself names every morning in the mirror for...god, a month now? It felt like longer. Sometimes it feels cathartic to insult himself, other times it just makes things worse because it keeps him from being able to avoid the fact that he was responsible for the collapse of one of the best things he'd had going for him.

It doesn't help that Daniel is so _nice, _so _smiley_, so _friendly_, but his eyes look hurt when Max can find it in himself to actually meet them, something he hasn't been able to do for a while now.

He doesn't consciously avoid Daniel's presence, in fact, he subconsciously finds reasons to be around him, but he does consciously avoid Daniel's gaze and he definitely consciously avoids conversation.

He was never much good at that for the entire time they were...whatever they were. 

Max sighs at his reflection and the lack of progress he's made on his hair and finally puts his head under the faucet to wet it down again and start over. When he puts his head back up and reaches for the towel to dry it off, his image in the mirror triggers a memory he doesn't ask for. That happens a lot now, the sudden flashes of the past.

His face has water running down from his hair, water lines running haphazardly over the lines of his face and dripping down to the marble sink. 

_And so does Daniel's, and he looks happy. He's laughing at something dumb...something dumb Max said. The water runs down his face and his shoulders and the rest of his body and he's only wearing swim trunks, red ones. It's nighttime, or dusk at least, but it's fucking hot. Why was it so hot after dark?_

Max can't recall for a moment until he places the memory into the correct place and time. _Oh that's right. We were in Singapore. _And his mind runs off, filling in more details, dragging him along a string of memories. His mind wants him to dwell on this, and already it's dragging him along as an unwilling participant.

_Daniel's chest looked so good. Damn, Max wanted to touch him so bad and he knew it. Daniel teased him about how obvious it was that he was checking him out. "No subtlety, Max."_

_Max shook his head and stuck out his tongue in a way that was meant to be an insult but came off more sexual. Daniel made a noise that clearly showed interest, and before Max could do anything, Daniel was touching him, running his hands up Max's bare abs. Max gave a little gasp, but not because he was startled. Daniel laughed at him. _

_"Come on, you want me," he teased, running his hands faaaar too low over the front of Max's shorts. Max couldn't hide anything from him physically. But he didn't answer Daniel's teasing comment, instead reacting with a kiss to the side of Daniel's throat. Daniel brought him forward and continued teasing him verbally while beginning to tease his body as well. _

Max is fighting the feeling of lust that rises in him even now whenever he thinks about things like this. He closes the bathroom door, even though no one else will come by anyway, and he tries to ease the hard-on that's increasing with every memory. No one can see him like this.

_Daniel drags him backwards and into the small pool they'd just emerged from a few minutes ago. There's no one around, it's a private area, off limits to almost everyone, and it's getting too late for anyone to be showing up unannounced. Max lends Daniel a hand by stripping off his own clothing and Daniel leers at him openly. Max enjoys the way he almost drools over him. He spins around in the water slowly and Daniel doesn't look away for a second. _

_"You've got no subtlety yourself," he goads when he meets Dan's eyes again. _

_"Well, it would be rude not to pay attention when you're putting on a show," Dan reasons, pulling Max in and kissing him. They lose themselves like that and Daniel loses his clothes and he fucks Max against the side of the pool._

Max still considers it one of the hottest sexual experiences of his life. With his eyes shut, he can picture the sights and sounds of that night, and the feelings of the moment come back to him. He feels dirty in the best kind of way and he feels so high on life and high on Daniel and in his head he can remember that there were words. Words he wanted to say.

_When they finish, Daniel holds him up while he breathes out and in. He closes his eyes and relaxes into the feeling of floating, nothing around him but water and nothing keeping him from sinking except for Daniel's arms._

Ironically, he thinks to himself now, there were a lot of other times where he felt like Daniel's arms were holding him up. That was just the only time it physically happened. 

_He floats there, breathing, somewhere between dozing and waking, listening to the night sounds and feeling the water and Dan's skin brushing around him. He thinks to himself that he would like to just be like this forever. _

In the bathroom, Max squeezes his eyes shut and wills the memory to stop there. _Stop there. Stop there. Stoptherestoptherestopthere goddammit! No more. Don't think about it. Think about something else. Anything else. Think about..._

But of course his brain doesn't cooperate and the images in his mind continue on like a film reel that can't be paused before it ends. 

_He feels Daniel kiss his forehead and he opens his eyes and smiles up at him, and Daniel smiles back. "I love you," Daniel says. It's not the first time he's said it. _

_Max feels his throat tighten. He wants to say something. He wants to say he loves him too, because he does, he does, he does. But his tongue sticks to the roof of his mouth and he suddenly wonders why everything around him is wet but he can't find a drop inside his mouth._

_The pause is deafening. Max closes his eyes, he wants to sink now, he doesn't deserve Daniel's arms. Why can't he just open his mouth and say it? It's not a lie! Lies have come more easily._

_Daniel kisses his forehead again. "You don't have to say it back if you're not ready, Max."_

_The sentence doesn't make him feel better. He is ready, he should be ready, he knows it's true, but no words come. He hates how dry his mouth is. He can't make his mind decide what to do. And he knows Daniel isn't telling the truth. He does want to hear it back. Doesn't everyone?_

_Max kicks his feet and stops floating, buoying up to a standing position. He reaches out for Daniel and kisses him, hoping that somehow it's the same as an answer._

_He knows it's not. _

_But Daniel kisses him back, and it's a long time before they finally gather their shorts from the bottom of the pool and get out. Max again admires the way the drops of water course over Daniel's skin, the way they hurry to find every line and every crease and flow through it. They dry themselves and leave the wet clothes on the back step of the resort cottage as they head inside and end up tangled on the bed in what was supposed to be Dan's room, the jet lag and the time changes finally winning out._

_Max doesn't sleep until quite a while after Daniel, because he's trying to get the three words he couldn't say to feel right by mouthing them to himself in the dark._

Slumping down onto the floor with his back against the bathroom door, Max runs a hand through his still disorderly hair. There are no thoughts of sex in his mind now, all lust gone. He hates himself and he hates the memories, especially the good ones. There are a lot of good ones. Every time he thinks he's remembered all of them, another one shows up unannounced to fuck with his head, ghosts of all the words he never managed to say.

It's worse too because he knows the ending. Of course he does. He lived it. And he knows that the ending happens because he couldn't force his useless lips to say the things he meant.

_"Max," Daniel says, looking too deeply into his eyes. _

_Max shifts uncomfortably on the bar's tall stool, not avoiding Dan's eyes but not altogether comfortable meeting them. He doesn't know why. He just knows that when Daniel says his name in that tone, it means he is going to say something serious. And Max, no matter how many times he has practiced on his own and glared at himself in the mirror, is never able to find a way to respond with serious, honest, open words. He never comes away from these talks feeling like he said what he wanted to say._

_"Yeah?"_

_Daniel is fiddling with the tiny pink umbrella that came in whatever weird cocktail he drank earlier. They are in Brazil and today they had just met up for the first time this weekend, starting off with a round of hotel sex, following that up with dinner, and they were now sitting in some upscale bar. Daniel has ordered more to drink then usual. _

In retrospect, Max thinks that he should have known that something extremely important was about to be said, something he would need to prepare for. He hates that he didn't notice it then. 

_Max wonders at first if he is buzzed, but Daniel seems steady and his eyes don't waver. "Max..what do you want out of this?"_

_Suddenly Max wants to jump off the stool and run like a maniac away from here, away from everything, away from Daniel and his honest, quiet gaze. He tries to say something, but only air comes out and it blends with the stark silence that hangs between them._

_Daniel keeps looking at him._

_Max's feet start involuntarily jumping up and down and unconsciously he begins clinching and releasing his hands, aware that they are beginning to shake a bit._

_Daniel puts his hands over Max's and stills them, touch firm but not rough. "Max, you know what I feel. You know I love you. I care for you. I have such a good time when I'm with you. But..."_

_And Max knows what the "but" is before Daniel latches onto the right words and finishes his thought._

_"...but you never tell me what you feel. You've never expressed what you want in the entire time we've been doing whatever we've been doing. I know you care for me, and I know you have as much fun with me as I do with you, but..." Dan pauses, as if to catch a breath and sort his thoughts out again. _

_"I have a great time when I'm with you," Max blurts out. "And...and..." He loses the words and his courage as quickly as they came. He closes his mouth and his eyes for a long second. When he opens his eyes again, Daniel is looking at him, and something in his look makes Max's heart feel like it is collapsing. _

_"...You never say what "this" means to you." Dan draw a line with his finger back and forth in the air between himself and Max. "You can't answer me when I tell you I love you. You can't even tell me what we are. And it's been almost a year, Max. I don't know...I don't know." Daniel is breathing too quickly, raggedly, almost like he is laboring under the weight of not knowing the answers._

_Max's hands, still resting on the table under Daniel's, are so sweaty that Max doesn't know how Daniel is able to keep touching them. Daniel is looking at him with something like expectation, not expectation that he will make a love confession, but expectation that Max will give him some kind of clear answer. And Max wants to, his head is screaming, his body tense, his brain telling him that Daniel is waiting on him, has been more than patient with him. Some distant part of him knows that what he is asking Daniel to do is unfair. Right now he is allowing Dan to dangle from a rope between the cliff and the rocks below. _

_Max knows he needs to either pull Daniel up or let him down gently, and he needs to do it now. Even the most patient of people need certainty eventually, need to know it's worth their while. Dan needs to know that Max, and everything they had, was worth the time and effort. That it meant something, was going somewhere, not just a doomed drive down a dead-end street._

_"Dan, I..." Max feels like someone has their hands around his neck. "Dan...I don't know. I love...spending time with you, I..."_

_The hope in Dan's eyes seemed to be disappearing slowly, like the tide going out to sea. Max is furious with himself, screaming at himself inside. It's three fucking words! How fucking hard can it be? Why can't he just say them? Jesus Christ, he's a fucking weakling._

_But it's all in vain. His head is threatening to implode and his throat is threatening to close permanently and he can feel Daniel fading away from him, gazing at him like a lost soul watching a lifeboat sail away. _

_Max is choking now, not with tears, but with disgust at himself. There are no tears, Max doesn't cry much, or really ever. It's more like hacking, trying to cough out something stuck in his lungs._

_Daniel's eyes are wide and he slides off his chair and comes around the table to stand next to Max and pat him on the back gently until the sound stops. Somehow the caring act hurts more than the look he was giving before. "Are you okay?" He asks, concern coming out despite the circumstances._

_"Yeah," Max lies when he can speak again. _

Still sitting on the floor, Max puts his head on his knees and wraps his arms around his ankles, rocking back and forth unconsciously. He can't help but think, now, that it must be telltale that the first thing he was able to get out that day was a lie. He doesn't like lying, and he especially hates that he lied to Daniel, but the truth is apparently hard for him. No, not truth in general, he thinks. The only thing he can't seem to do is come out with his true feelings. The truth about what he feels always seems to flat out refuse being said, and not just with Daniel. He's fully aware that he's never been able to say those types of things.

He can say what he thinks, he can say what he wants, he can say what's objectively true or false, but he can't say what's in his heart, what his deeper self wants, or even admit what is true or false about he feels. He knows why, and he thinks Daniel has his suspicions about why, but that doesn't make any of it better. The difficulties and frustrations of his childhood are no longer responsible for his adult actions. 

Max smacks himself repeatedly on the forehead, not hard, just hard enough to hopefully shake the thoughts out of his head. All of this was last season, there was winter testing between then and now, and no communication with Daniel. God knows that by now, four months after the fact, he should have moved on and cleared his thoughts of this kind of ridiculousness. 

But here he is, unable to shake off the past, caught in a loop of memories that are forcing him to face himself and his feelings and desires in a way he never has had to do before.

_Daniel still has a hand on his shoulder. "I love you, Max. No matter what you feel..." _ _\--Max turns to face him and reaches out to put his hand on Dan's shoulder awkwardly, so that now they have made a weird little circle with their arms and bodies--_ _"...but I think we need some time apart. You already knew I was changing teams, so I think this is the perfect time. You don't know what you want, Max. You're young, and I am too old to continue relationships that aren't...that aren't secure. You know me, Max. I need certainty. Maybe it's a fault of my own, but..." He trails off. _

_Max's knuckles on Daniel's shoulder are white, but Max somehow feels like his self has left him and he hears himself speak in a strange, hollow voice. "You deserve certainty. It's not a fault. It's how you are." _

_He doesn't think that's very helpful but he's oddly relieved that he spoke at all._

_Daniel looks like he might cry. He blinks very quickly and his hand on Max's shoulder is slightly painful, but Max knows he must be hurting Daniel with his grip as well, so he doesn't say anything._

_"I think it's for the best, Max. You have no idea how much..." He doesn't finish, instead choosing to swallow the words and the tears that obviously want to come out. "Let's not be strangers though, please? Just because...just because we need to take some time apart...doesn't mean I want to pretend we don't know each other."_

_The thought of that is equally terrifying to Max. He nods quickly. "I could never, Dan." He doesn't explain what he could never do, but he thinks Daniel understands because Dan forces a sad, tiny, barely there smile. _

_"Good," he says hoarsely. "Okay then...that's good at least. If...if you need anything though, I'm still here for you."_

_"Yeah, yeah, same here," is all Max can say in reply._

_Daniel brings his hand up to run over Max's cheek and through his hair. The height difference is odd because Max is still sitting on the bar stool, and that seems appropriate considering how odd everything feels right now._

_Max can't stop himself. He leans down and kisses Daniel, hands in the familiar curls, his mind trying to memorize everything about the way it feels, not caring about who is around. The bar is dark and far from the track and far from the motor homes and far from anyone who could possibly know them. Max feels so far away from that world that it may as well be on the moon for all he cares in this moment. The only thing he cares about is Daniel and how desperately he wants to say the right things to make him understand that Max feels the same way, that he wants the same thing, that he'd do whatever Daniel needed him to do._

_But Daniel is gone the next second, breaking from the kiss and holding Max close for a split second before shaking himself loose. The door on the other side of the dark room closes behind him before Max even fully registers the sight of him walking away. _

_I love you, he mouths to the air, but the words don't materialize even though Daniel can't even hear them anymore. _

"I love you," Max mouths in the bathroom, head lolling back against the door, feeling like even remembering that day has drained every bit of stability from his body. Then, because he thinks he will not be able to stand up and walk out of the room anytime soon anyway, he decides masochistically to just continue torturing himself.

_Might as well at this point, nothing left to lose. Might as well just face it all at once. Maybe if I do it will finally go away._

So, he closes his eyes and brings all the happy memories together in his mind, forming them into a split second slideshow, a collage of Daniel and all the things about him that Max misses most. In his mind he brings up all the times Daniel told him how much he loved him and he presses play as if they were all combined into one vivid mental recording instead of a million little pieces floating in his head. He lets them play through to the end, to the very last time Daniel told him "I love you," and he just breathes, eyes still closed, head still resting against the door.

"I love you."

He opens his eyes, startled by his own voice in the empty room, but most shocked by what he has just said. All along, it's been there. He wouldn't let it out four months ago, his mind wouldn't even consider it. 

He thinks he must finally be broken completely, all of his mental blockades must have dissolved under the weight of all the sleepless nights, all the drunken days, all the thoughts that he can't seem to banish no matter how hard he tries, or tried. 

"I love you," he repeats experimentally to the silence. His voice is soft, he can't manage to speak up, even to himself, even now, when he's alone. "I love you, Daniel. I love you."

Max's heart is racing now, his brain is malfunctioning, his body feels at once exhausted and electrified. What should he do? Should he do anything? 

_Yes. Of course I should._ He's been fighting with himself all this time, trying to deceive himself into believing that the reason why he couldn't say it was that he didn't really love Daniel.

_Fuck, I was so full of shit. What is the matter with me? I should've faced it months ago. Of course I love him. Of fucking course I do._

He scrambles up suddenly, not sure if he's having a breakdown or if he's finally seen the light, but determined to settle this for good and all either way. He flings the bathroom door open and runs into his bedroom, frantically searching for his phone. He finds it under the blankets on his bed and he ignores the messages on the screen from people who he loves, but not like he loves Daniel. 

He find Daniel's contact number and before he can change his mind, he mashes the call button and tries to continue breathing while he listens to it ring.

********

Inside a coffee shop, Daniel fidgets with the silverware and drops his phone on the floor, picks it up, and goes back to fidgeting. From the corner table where he sits, he can see the door clearly and he can't look anywhere else, afraid that if he does, he'll jinx it. Maybe Max isn't going to come. Maybe, like all the other times, he will be unable to face how he feels. Maybe, after four months of Daniel hoping in spite of himself, missing Max despite his best efforts, loving Max from a distance, and being unable to move on like he should, Max will finally crush the last remaining shred of unwarranted hope. Maybe he will finally stomp out the already dying fire of Daniel's moronic optimism. 

_Or maybe..._

But Daniel doesn't let himself think that. Better to expect the worst after all this time. Unlikely that Max will still be feeling the way he does by now. He's thinking this when Max walks in. 

Daniel feels his heartbeat double, triple, and threaten to stop altogether in just the space of the two seconds that it takes as their eyes meet across the room. He's not sure if his heart is suffering from fear or excitement or hope. 

Max crosses the room quickly, hair disheveled, purple marks under his eyes. Daniel feels a sting of concern in his chest. 

"Hey Max," he says, looking up at him. He's overwhelmed with so many feelings at once, fear and sadness and love and care and annoyance and frustration and other things he can't name. He waits for Max to sit down, but Max is grabbing his arm and when Daniel looks up at him, he swears Max's eyes are a little wider than usual. 

"Max? Are you okay? Are you high? Are you--"

"I'm fine, I'm not high, I'm okay." Max laughs, and Daniel is shocked at just how much he missed that sound; he missed it so much more than he realized.

"I need you to come with me," Max tells him, pulling at his arm, words rushing out. 

"Max, what's--" Daniel stands up in spite of his confusion and then he realizes that it doesn't matter what's happening. He would follow Max anywhere. _I'm such an idiot. I'm a fucking sucker. He's probably speeding or something. _

"Just come, please," Max begs, and Daniel can't refuse. Max leads him towards the back door, looks around and then pulls him down the little coffee shop's hall and into the men's restroom. Daniel doesn't have time to protest before they're inside and Max shuts and locks the door behind him. "Max, what the fuck?" 

But Max's eyes are closed, and he's breathing heavily, and Daniel watches him with interest and concern. Max's chest heaves and suddenly his eyes fly open to meet Daniel's.

"I love you," he says simply. 

It's not a whisper, it's not a normal speaking volume either, but to Daniel, Max may as well have been yelling.

****** 

"I love you," Max says, and his voice sounds tiny to himself, lost in the small room. So he repeats it. "I love you." It's slightly louder this time, but barely.

It doesn't matter though. Daniel is staring at him.

He wonders if he's been terribly, awfully, horribly wrong and Daniel doesn't love him anymore and doesn't want him and he just croaked out the hardest words he's ever had to say for nothing. His hands are shaking and he tries to hide the fact that his knees are starting to wobble too. 

Daniel is still frozen, as if he's been stunned. 

"Daniel?" Max manages. "I'm sorry, I...oh, fuck, I..."

And then Daniel is kissing him and Max is falling backwards against the bathroom wall and Daniel is leaning on him like he wants to trap him and never let him escape, holding him too tight.

Max doesn't care. He hangs onto him for dear life.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," he repeats over and over into Daniel's shoulder as he holds him. Distantly, he's afraid that if he doesn't keep saying the words, he might lose them. 

"I love you too," Daniel murmurs into his hair, kissing him on his cheek, his ear, his hair. 

"I should've said it so long ago," Max finally whispers. "I wanted to. I did. But I never could. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Shh, enough," Daniel hushes him. Max suddenly feels a huge wave of sadness as he thinks of how different the past few months might've been if he'd only found the words to say.

He wants to apologize again, but instead he finds himself going limp and clinging to Dan as hard as if Dan might suddenly be angry and walk out.

But all Dan does is hold him.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no fucking idea if that was any good or not! I'm honestly really on the fence about it. It was more fluffy than I expected???  
Anyway, leave a comment if you like.
> 
> Normal things apply: This is totally, one hundred percent fictional. Do not post this anywhere or make it available for anyone involved to see.  
Thanks for reading!


End file.
